Sleep baby, sleep!

WARNING - this is a boring Mommy blog experience....but one I wanted to document, so here it is. 

It is hard to believe our little Troy is nearly four months old.  These past months have been blissful.  I am so thankful that as a newborn Troy was pretty easy.  Using the Baby Wise method he was sleeping 8 - 9 hours a night at just eight weeks old.  I had worked pretty hard to have a manageable schedule that resulted in a happy baby and happy mommy.  There were a few things that baby wise warns against that I did not heed, and if I could do it again, I would have tried them.  One is to not rely on props to get your baby to sleep.  Well, Troy loves his pacifier.  He hated to be swaddled, so the best way to soothe him was by letting him suck, and therefore the pacifier was inserted as soon as he began to stir in the middle of the night.  When he was more in the newborn stage he slept pretty hard, so I didn't have to do much to get him back to sleep if he ever woke up, just use that pacifier.  We had him sleeping in his cradle by our bed at night and I would put him in there for naps as well, since it was his preferred sleeping spot and he slept so well in there.  His naps would be between 1 and 2 hours long and he would wake up generally pretty happy from them. 

Then when he was about 14 weeks I thought it was time that he might be able to drop the "late evening" feed.  Meaning, he would no longer need that feeding at about 10:30-11:30pm.  So I could get to be earlier and he could get a solid 10 - 12 hours of sleep.  This would mean his last feeding was generally between 8 and 9pm.  And guess what, it worked!  He did this for about a week, and was doing great.  My next step was to try and move him out of our room.  He is growing out of his cradle and it was time for him to sleep in his crib.  So as recommended, I stated with naps.  And that's when all went to hell and a hand basket.   Oh man that kid hated his crib.  He would only last about 20 minutes in there before waking up and thinking he was done napping.  It was awful.  he went from nearly two hour naps to 20 minute naps!  But I didn't want to give up.  So for two full weeks I tried to get him to take as many naps in the crib as possible.  Some days I intentionally went out and ran errands knowing he would fall asleep in his car seat, and he loves to sleep in there, and because I would need a break I would allow that to happen.  But mostly I stuck to trying to get him to sleep in his crib.  After a week he had a successful nap in his crib, he woke up after 45 minutes but I was able to soothe him and get him back to sleep for another hour.  I thought he had turned the corner... but it basically went back to 30 - 45 minute naps in the crib, 3 - 4 times a day.  It has been exhausting.  And because his daytime sleep has been less, his night time sleep has been awful.  He's been waking up at 3am wide awake.  It usually takes about 30 - 45 minutes for him to get back to sleep, then he's up again 30 minutes later.  And this is while he's in his favorite cradle!  And that dang pacifier.... ugh... he spits it out then freaks out.  I have been feeling so conflicted on if he needs to eat or not.  I decided to add back in the late evening feeding.  So I am up at 11:30pm still feeding him, but still he wakes up around 3am.  I have been totally rocked by this.  Because he hasn't been getting as much sleep, he's been a bit grumpier and he's crying more.  I think last week there were four days where I cried every morning when he woke up early from him naps.  Everything I had known about being Troy's mom was changing and it has totally rocked me.  It has shaken my confidence in being a mom to the core.  One morning I was holding him after he woke up grumpy from his nap and was crying and then I started to cry and just yelled "What do you want?" That was when I lost all confidence that I could do it.  Troy was my happy baby who slept great, ate well and smiled all the time.  What happened to him? 

In all this I've felt very lonely, very tired and very overwhelmed.  I don't have many, well any really, friends.  It's strange, but there's no one that I call that lives nearby to talk to about this stuff or go hang out with at the park.  It's just me, by myself, everyday. Apparently I need to work on that...among many other things. 

Both Adam and I are pretty sleep deprived now after a week of him waking up at 3 in the morning.  Last night I decided I would just go sleep in Troy's room with him so at least Adam could get a good night sleep.  Good thing we got a reclining glider.  But it felt so pathetic. 

I should be thankful that it took nearly four months for me to really feel challenged by motherhood, up until this point I really hadn't had a single bad day of it. I know this is only the beginning of the challenges I will have as mother, but sleep deprivation is taking its toll on me.  And I am going back to work in two weeks! 

I love this little boy with all my heart and soul, but I have always been really hard on myself, so feeling like a failure at this sleeping thing has been hard. Motherhood is proving to be something I have a lot to learn about, but I am happy to learn.

The ironic thing, as I am writing this, Troy is coming up on a full two hour nap in the crib, without any soothing or pacifier inserting by me...

He's still happy while he plays!

Seriously - he cracks me up.