The tough stuff

Ugh...I'm having a hard time.  My first eight months as a mother have been pretty amazing.  I am so thankful for this transformation in my life.  But, that doesn't mean I am just always blissfully happy.  And lately I have just been feeling in a rut.  Some of it, ok, maybe a lot of it, has to do with just how little sleep I am getting these days, but still as this is a transformative time in my life, I wanted to write about it so that someday I can look back and reflect on my thoughts. 

While things were going really well with my part time work situation, the work has dried up a little bit.  Basically I am out of a job in a sense.  Since I was acting as a consultant, it means that sometimes there just might not be projects for me.  I am working on an field study that is just taking a few hours a week now, so I have stopped going into the office and just work from home to complete my tasks.  While I am loving the short commute, I am missing the interaction with other people.  I have been second guessing my decision to quit my full time job at Free Wheelchair Mission lately.  I can't say that I am to the point of regret, but I do have to say, I have realized that being a stay at home mom is A LOT harder than going to work full time.  Honestly, I don't think the reality set in until I stopped going into the office a couple weeks ago. To be at home 24/7 with my little guys is such a blessing, but it is so very isolating, lonely and boring.  I find myself lacking motivation and sense of purpose. I know being a mom is my most important job right now, but it's just hard when no one is telling you you're doing a good job, when you get no real breaks and don't have a team of people to strategize with about the decisions that need to be made, it's just you and baby all day every day.  I don't want to cook or clean or do much of anything but sleep when I can and play with little guy.  I've become a terrible wife, I literally am too tired to care about how I look, cook a decent meal (tonight we had the Chicken Chow Mein in a bag from Trader Joe's)  and I just want to go to be at like 9pm every night, so that I can take advantage of the fact that Troy is asleep.  Because I know he'll be crying soon enough.

The night time sleep issues have continued.  Troy just wakes up constantly.  Some nights it's just a couple times, other nights it can be 4 - 6 times.  I am just tired of feeling like a failure.  I work so hard to have a good routine and schedule and have read and re-read different books and websites, but the truth is, Troy is just not a good sleeper, this might take a really long time.  I am actually lucky, because I can function pretty well on very little sleep (when I worked full time I would go to bed at 11 and wake up at 5:30am every day) but I am very hard on myself and I just want to feel like I am doing something right.  

 I think the thing that is hardest for me right now though is just how lonely I feel.  Somehow I thought that when I became a mom I would be welcomed into the world of mothers and have a new group of people to surround myself with, but that just really hasn't happened. I've tried to put forth some effort, inviting other moms to join me on a walk or at the park, taking other new moms dinner and going to their showers, but things just haven't really changed.  I've decided that when Troy no longer needs a morning nap, I am going to join a Moms group called MOPS that meets once a week in hopes that things might change.

I know that in the end the sleeping thing will get better, but I really and just greatly concerned that I will never have a close group of friends, so here's hoping someone will come along and save me from my lonesome self.

All that to say, I know I am very lucky to have this time to bond with Troy and he is my greatest joy in life and I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone.

Sleeping babies are the sweetest, especially when they sleep so rarely!

So close to crawling