Here are just some things that I have had conversations about with myself in my head during my walks on my lunch break. It won’t bother me if you don’t want to read it, I just wanted to write something down this time.
Is it totally selfish of me to want to wait almost 3 more years to start having kids? I mean if there were an accident and it just so happened I turned up pregnant earlier than planned, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but still, sometimes, especially now, since basically our whole church congregation, and now even my high school, non-Mormon friends are starting to have kids, sometimes I feel this pressure that I should be having kids. But in all honesty, I’m not ready. I will hit the 5 year mark of having my job at Free Wheelchair Mission this summer. 5 years! I feel like I am making quite the career out of this. And I like it. But sometimes I feel like it’s selfish of me to say I don’t want kids right now because I love my job too much, and I have a commute, and it would be really hard for me to figure out how to have a kid and this job. I am pretty sure I will have to keep working after we do start a family, that’s just how it is when you live in Southern CA a mile from the ocean. Living is not cheap.
On a different note –
Sometimes I think about what a terrible friend I am. I’m not saying this because I’m having a pity party, but I am saying this because I am the type of person that is easily exhausted by people. I am not energized by people, I am drained. Therefore it’s actually really hard for me to want to have a lot of friends. Having friends is not something I am overly concerned about and therefore I really don’t make much effort to make or keep them. I’ve always been the type of person who finds one or two people who I trust with my heart and soul and I let them in and they know I love them to death and the rest I treat more like acquaintances. Now that I am married and have my best friend for life, it’s even harder for me to find the need to make and keep friends. Lately though I have been thinking about the fact that I really wish I could open up more, and that people would open up more to me. There are women in my life right now that I do truly love and care about, the trouble is I don’t do anything to show them, so they probably don’t even know how much they mean to mean, and therefore our friendships have all stayed pretty surface level. I'm ready for something deeper, but the struggle of jumping in is the challenge.
Ok – I’m done for now.
Five Years
13 years ago
7 comments:
I'm not the most practiced fellow about such things, but if there's one thing I've noticed about certain people around me, it's a needless mania for having a kid. Yes, having a kid will be an awesome blessing, but wait 'til you're ready--it'll be even more of a blessing that way. There's no hurry! You're not being selfish.
I have a lot of friends, but sometimes I feel like meeting new people is indeed a burden of sorts. Certainly I could go the rest of my life without needing to meet any more friends, but the nature of people, and social people especially (and you are one--anyone that cares so much about humans can't help it!) is to just keep doing it forever. You have to be sure to prioritize, is all.
Lastly, from the BHAGAVAD-GITA: "It is better to do one's own duty, however defective it may be, than to follow the duty of another, however well one may perform it. He who does his duty as his own nature reveals it, never sins." You gotta look out for number one! Do what YOU gotta do.
Whit, no stress. Wait, everyone understands if you dont feel ready, dont do it. I am solely judging when we will have kids and when I feel its right. People don't care too much when you have kids probably, its just a good discussion piece, you know? It like when people always ask missionaries, how long have you been out, just because they think they should ask but in reality that's the last thing a missionary wants to talk about.
The thing about having kids is that it's a true sacrifice. Wait until you are ready to make that sacrifice and do it with all your heart (once you meet your baby, it will all come naturally). Having a child really increases your humanity and capacity to love and might even help you do better at your job when the time is right for you. Keep sorting it out in your mind and you will know and feel when it's time, and don't let the pressure get to you :)
being a parent is such a joy--it's also the hardest thing I've ever done. Being a parent is too hard of a thing to do to let yourself feel pressured into it. You and your husband can decide when is right for you, and then don't worry about it-it's no one else's business. People don't think about us as much as we think they do......
with your close friends, spend some good time with them. talk about things deeply impressed on your mind etc...
that's my two cents :)
I couldn't agree more with that second part. I seriously think you and I are more alike the more of these posts I read!
Whitney, I love you! That's pretty much all I have to say...except that, whenever you ARE ready we'll be excited about adorable cousins :-) But my true opinion is that nobody, NObody is ever really READY to have kids. I think we have to trust in when Heavenly Father is ready for us to do things...and try to be receptive to those feelings. Easier said than done, I know. Anyway, I know you guys will figure it out and it will all be perfect! We love you so much!
(P.S. I enjoyed reading your blog, as always.)
I'll be your friend- AND we can be kid-less together! (= Let's hang out soon!
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